No Doors No Windows Read online

  “Ef you dun’ like it…”

  “Take it back.”

  “You gotta pay for it, you order it.”

  “I said take it back, I don’t want the fucking thing!”

  The waitress scratched it off the check. The milk cost 27¢ and tasted going-sour. It was the first time in her life that Beth had said that word aloud.

  At the cashier’s stand, Beth said to the sweating man with the felt-tip pens in his shirt pocket, “Just out of curiosity, are you interested in complaints?”

  “Not” he said, snarling, quite literally snarling. He did not look up as he punched out 73¢ and it came rolling down the chute.

  The city responded to her overtures:

  It was raining again. She was trying, to cross Second Avenue, with the light. She stepped off the curb and a car came sliding through the red and splashed her. “Hey!” she yelled.

  “Eat shit, sister!” the driver yelled back, turning the corner.

  Her boots, her legs and her overcoat were splattered with mud. She stood trembling on the curb.

  The city responded to her overtures:

  She emerged from the building at One Astor Place with her big briefcase full of Laban charts; she was adjusting her rain scarf about her head. A well-dressed man with an attaché case thrust the handle of his umbrella up between her legs from the rear. She gasped and dropped her case.

  The city responded and responded and responded.

  Her overtures altered quickly.

  The old drunk with the stippled cheeks extended his hand and mumbled words. She cursed him and walked on up Broadway past the beaver film houses.

  She crossed against the lights on Park Avenue, making hackies slam their brakes to avoid hitting her; she used that word frequently now.

  When she found herself having a drink with a man who had elbowed up beside her in the singles’ bar, she felt faint and knew she should go home.

  But Vermont was so far away.

  Nights later. She had come home from the Lincoln Center ballet, and gone straight to bed. She heard a sound in the bedroom. One room away, in the living room, in the dark, there was a sound. She slipped out of bed and went to the door between the rooms. She fumbled silently for the switch on the lamp just inside the living room, and found it, and clicked it on. A black man in a leather car coat was trying to get out of the apartment. In that first flash of light filling the room she noticed the television set beside him on the floor as he struggled with the door, she noticed the police lock and bar had been broken in a new and clever manner New York Magazine had not yet reported in a feature article on apartment ripoffs, she noticed that he had gotten his foot tangled in the telephone cord that she had requested be extra-long so she could carry the instrument into the bathroom, I don’t want to miss any business calls when the shower is running; she noticed all things in perspective and one thing with sharpest clarity: the expression on the burglar’s face.

  There was something familiar in that expression.

  He almost had the door open, but now he closed it, and slipped the police lock. He took a step toward her.

  Beth went back, into the darkened bedroom.

  The city responded to her overtures.

  She backed against the wall at the head of the bed. Her hand fumbled in the shadows for the telephone. His shape filled the doorway, light, all light behind him.

  In silhouette it should not have been possible to tell, but somehow she knew he was wearing gloves and the only marks he would leave would be deep bruises, very blue, almost black, with the tinge under them of blood that had been stopped in its course.

  He came for her, arms hanging casually at his sides. She tried to climb over the bed, and he grabbed her from behind, ripping her nightgown. Then he had a hand around her neck and he pulled her backward. She fell off the bed, landed at his feet and his hold was broken. She scuttled across the floor and for a moment she had the respite to feel terror. She was going to die, and she was frightened.

  He trapped her in the corner between the closet and the bureau and kicked her. His foot caught her in the thigh as she folded tighter, smaller, drawing her legs up. She was cold.

  Then he reached down with both hands and pulled her erect by her hair. He slammed her head against the wall. Everything slid up in her sight as though running off the edge of the world. He slammed her head against the wall again, and she felt something go soft over her right ear.

  When he tried to slam her a third time she reached out blindly for his face and ripped down with her nails. He howled in pain and she hurled herself forward, arms wrapping themselves around his waist. He stumbled backward and in a tangle of thrashing arms and legs they fell out onto the little balcony.

  Beth landed on the bottom, feeling the window boxes jammed up against her spine and legs. She fought to get to her feet, and her nails hooked into his shirt under the open jacket, ripping. Then she was on her feet again and they struggled silently.

  He whirled her around, bent her backward across the wrought-iron railing. Her face was turned outward.

  They were standing in their windows, watching.

  Through the fog she could see them watching. Through the fog she recognized their expressions. Through the fog she heard them breathing in unison, bellows breathing of expectation and wonder. Through the fog.

  And the black man punched her in the throat. She gagged and started to black out and could not draw air into her lungs. Back, back, he bent her further back and she was looking up, straight up, toward the ninth floor and higher…

  Up there: eyes.

  The words Ray Gleeson had said in a moment filled with what he had become, with the utter hopelessness and finality of the choice the city had forced on him, the words came back. You can’t live in this city and survive unless you have protection…you can’t live this way, like rats driven mad, without making the time right for some god-forsaken other kind of thing to be born…you can’t do it without calling up some kind of awful…

  God! A new God, an ancient God come again with the eyes and hunger of a child, a deranged blood God of fog and street violence. A God who needed worshippers and offered the choices of death as a victim or life as an eternal witness to the deaths of other chosen victims. A God to fit the times, a God of streets and people.

  She tried to shriek, to appeal to Ray, to the director in the bedroom window of his ninth-floor apartment with his long-legged Philadelphia model beside him and his fingers inside her as they worshipped in their holiest of ways, to the others who had been at the party that had been Ray’s offer of a chance to join their congregation. She wanted to be saved from having to make that choice.

  But the black man had punched her in the throat, and now his hands were on her, one on her chest, the other in her face, the smell of leather filling her where the nausea could not. And she understood Ray had cared, had wanted her to take the chance offered; but she had come from a world of little white dormitories and Vermont countryside; it was not a real world. This was the real world and up there was the God who ruled this world, and she had rejected him, had said no to one of his priests and servitors. Save me! Don’t make me do it!

  She knew she had to call out, to make appeal, to try and win the approbation of that God. I can’t…save me!

  She struggled and made terrible little mewling sounds trying to summon the words to cry out, and suddenly she crossed a line, and screamed up into the echoing courtyard with a voice Leona Ciarelli had never known enough to use.

  “Him! Take him! Not me! I’m yours, I love you, I’m yours! Take him, not me, please not me, take him, take him, I’m yours!”

  And the black man was suddenly lifted away, wrenched off her, and off the balcony, whirled straight up into the fog-thick air in the courtyard, as Beth sank to her knees on the ruined flower boxes.

  She was half-conscious, and could not be sure she saw it just that way, but up he went, end over end, whirling and spinning like a charred leaf.

  And the form
took firmer shape. Enormous paws with claws and shapes that no animal she had ever seen had ever possessed, and the burglar, black, poor, terrified, whimpering like a whipped dog, was stripped of his flesh. His body was opened with a thin incision, and there was a rush as all the blood poured from him like a sudden cloudburst, and yet he was still alive, twitching with the involuntary horror of a frog’s leg shocked with an electric current. Twitched, and twitched again as he was torn piece by piece to shreds. Pieces of flesh and bone and half a face with an eye blinking furiously, cascaded down past Beth, and hit the cement below with sodden thuds. And still he was alive, as his organs were squeezed and musculature and bile and shit and skin were rubbed, sandpapered together and let fall. It went on and on, as the death of Leona Ciarelli had gone on and on, and she understood with the blood-knowledge of survivors at any cost that the reason the witnesses to the death of Leona Ciarelli had done nothing was not that they had been frozen with horror, that they didn’t want to get involved, or that they were inured to death by years of television slaughter.

  They were worshippers at a black mass the city had demanded be staged, not once, but a thousand times a day in this insane asylum of steel and stone.

  Now she was on her feet, standing half-naked in her ripped nightgown, her hands tightening on the wrought-iron railing, begging to see more, to drink deeper.

  Now she was one of them, as the pieces of the night’s sacrifice fell past her, bleeding and screaming.

  Tomorrow the police would come again, and they would question her, and she would say how terrible it had been, that burglar, and how she had fought, afraid he would rape her and kill her, and how he had fallen, and she had no idea how he had been so hideously mangled and ripped apart, but a seven-storey fall, after all….

  Tomorrow she would not have to worry about walking in the streets, because no harm could come to her. Tomorrow she could even remove the police lock. Nothing in the city could do her any further evil, because she had made the only choice. She was now a dweller in the city, now wholly and richly a part of it. Now she was taken to the bosom of her God.

  She felt Ray beside her, standing beside her, holding her, protecting her, his hand on her naked backside, and she watched the fog swirl up and fill the courtyard, fill the city, fill her eyes and her soul and her heart with its power. As Ray’s naked body pressed tightly into her, she drank deeply of the night, knowing whatever voices she heard from this moment forward, they would be the voices not of whipped dogs, but those of strong, meat-eating beasts.

  At last she was unafraid, and it was so good, so very good not to be afraid.

  “When inward life dries up, when feeling decreases and apathy increases, when one cannot affect or even genuinely touch another person, violence flares up as a daimonic necessity for contact, a mad drive forcing touch in the most direct way possible.”

  —Rollo May, Love and Will

  EDDIE, YOU’RE MY FRIEND

  Eddie, you’re my friend, ain’t you?

  I mean, it’s been a long time, and we’ve been through a lot of bad shit together, a lot of stuff most guys wouldn’t share, even with a buddy, the way we did. I’m not mad, honest to God, Eddie. You got to believe me. I know you’re my friend; hell, I come to you without even thinking about it, you know? I just said to myself, “Eddie is the one guy who can help me out of all this,” so I just come on over.

  You’re all alone, ain’t you?

  That’s real good. I wouldn’t want to talk like this if Bernice was around. It’s pretty embarrassing, you know…Mostly I’m embarrassed because today is Bernice’s and my third anniversary, and I feel really wiped out. With this rain and all that thunder and everything; you know how rain depresses me. It always did.

  Like when we were kids and I’d be real down on a day like this and you’d come over and we’d lay around and read all those comic books. And we were so impressed by Plastic Man and Superman and all those other characters that we used to take bath towels and put a big black letter on them with Crayola, and then get one of those little Halloween masks that cover your eyes and your nose, and then we’d go running around the neighborhood pretending we were avengers of justice and stuff. You remember that, don’t you, Eddie?

  Hell, we were tight friends even back then!

  Sure you remember. It was a day all rainy like today, back on the old block, and we were calling ourselves the Krime Kracker Kids—you know, with all K’s—and we caught Johnny Mummey, the fireman’s kid, and shoved him off his garage roof because he broke some milk bottles on my back porch? Remember?

  It was just like today. And boy! Did I get beat up for that. It was terrible. Teddy Mummey caught me the next day in the playground and whipped me bad for racking up his kid brother. He said it was you told him I was the one did it. And you watched him beat the crap outta me. Come on, you gotta remember that. I was kept indoors for a week.

  Sore? Hell no, you were my friend…you were my best friend, even then. I knew you only did it because you had to. I never got sore at you, Eddie. That’d of been foolish, to get P.O.’d at a buddy. Your friendship meant more than a lousy week in the house or a busted snot-locker.

  But those were cool times, back the old days.

  Or—man, you must remember this—the time I threw that party, and hell, nobody dug me too much then, because I got to admit it, I was pretty much of a turkey even then, and you said you were coming, and nobody showed and I had all that cake and stuff all ready, and had to throw it out. You remember, it was a Valentine’s Day or something like that. I was racked, Eddie man. Real laid out. I wanted that party like crazy, you know.

  Oh hell, I got a strange memory. I remember all those times we were together. The time at State when we both went out for” that frat and I didn’t get it, but you did, because somebody told the committee I was Jewish. You know. That was a blast, too. But, hell, those things happen.

  But I remember how we were good buddies even then, Eddie. I mean, like if I came to you, we’d do our themes together, and I’d take those great cool ideas of yours and write them up and we’d both have final themes to hand in. Only that once we got stuck, but at least you got out of it, when the Prof asked who’d copied whose, and he picked me. What did he say to you when he had you alone in that office? Boy, he knew it was me right off. I’ve always thought about that; but I couldn’t figure how that teacher—what was his name…oh yeah, old Mastermans—how Professor Mastermans knew I’d been doing the copying. It wasn’t exactly true, but better just me getting bounced outta school than both of us, right? Hell, that wouldn’t of done no good, both of us getting canned.

  The way it turned out, that was the best thing ever happened to me. I mean, I got out and hadda start looking around for a job, and finally took my horn and got with the combo, and that was the start of my career. You know, Eddie, it was like it was supposed to’ve happened that way. Kismet, right?

  Then when you graduated it was a natural for you to come on the combo with me, and be the business manager. I mean, I knew you needed a job—Christ, those were rough days for finding work, what with all them vets from the Nam climbing over each other trying to find slots—and I was glad to give you a hand for a change, when you needed it, and it could help.

  That’s what friends do for friends, ain’t it?

  Lucky we stuck together when the combo flopped, because you had quite a bit of dough saved. No, hell, I never paid any attention to what those other four creeps in the group said about mismanagement of funds and all that crap. What the hell did they know about friendship, right? You did a great job. You wouldn’t never shaft a buddy, I knew that.

  Anyhow, it was for the best. I got in with Larry in the big time, and there we were, you my manager and all, just doing great, hanging tough; and I’ve never thought thirty per cent was a big enough cut for the way you pushed me. With solos and all like that. And then TV and that contract with Columbia and the flick we made. I mean, that was the greatest.

  Then Bernice came alon
g, and we got hitched, and it was all solid, man. I mean, she was just about all of it to me.

  Sore? Hell no, I’ve told you a couple times I’m not sore. I mean, Bernice just couldn’t take me. The only thing is, after three years being married to one chick, you sort of get the blues when she goes over to someone else. I know you didn’t encourage her, Eddie. I mean, you’re my friend. It’s just that—well—you know, like she was the whole world for me. And when she decided she wanted a divorce so’s you two could get hitched, well, it kind of laid me back for good.

  That’s why I came over here tonight.

  You sure you’re alone, man?

  Yeah. Well, like I haven’t got the horn in this case, y’know. Here, see, it’s this gun. Like I borrowed it from Stacey, You know Stacey. He’s the one with the spike, like he’s second trom.

  Yeah. I want you to do me a favor.

  Huh? Kill you? No, man, you don’t get it. Like, I know you’re my friend, and if I needed a favor you’d come by me and lay it on me. That’s why I brought up this gun. No, man, stop that jazz. I ain’t going to blow a hole in you. I want you to help me. I sort of found out I’m a really weak character, Eddie, and you’re stronger than me, and I wrote this good note here, see, and it’s got everything written right down in black and white, and I got my accounts all squared away so’s Beraice gets it all when I go.

  I mean, you wear these gloves I brought along, wait a minute, I got ’em right here in my jacket pocket. Here. See? And when I’m down, you just stick the gun in my hand like I done it myself, no fingerprints. I mean, you got to help, Eddie. Like the guy at the used car joint says, “Let me work with you on this thing.”

  I got to have someone help me, Eddie.

  Without her, I’m nothing, just useless shit.

  So I come to you. You’ll do it, won’t you?

  I mean, Eddie, you’re my friend, ain’t you?

  STATUS QUO AT TROYDEN’S